Dear John Q. Public

I represent the 97 % of the climate expert community which believes global warming is caused by humanity. Our knowledge is profound (most of us are highly educated) and we spent years looking at the ancient climate record and computers models we have made as large and complex as the largest computer could stand .

These models all agree that in 100 years we will see sea level rise 60 cm (we are pretty sure about this part), and the world’s temperature will rise a lot, but we can’t give you a good figure. Some of us are pretty sure we will see lots of drought, but also lots of giant hurricanes, and lots of rain, tornadoes, and Greenland ice bergs sailing by. And polar bears will die.

So it’s really important you follow our prescribed solutions, consider us climatologists as the doctors who offer you chemotherapy after we cut off your legs to cure you from that fever we are pretty sure you have. And please don’t listen to the other guys who are deceiving you and tell you to keep your legs. They are in denial of fever and medicine, and believe in creationism, if they keep this up we’ll just have them shot.

Thank you for your attention,

Dr Nein T. Ceven.