I am increasingly bored by Washington because I don’t believe the answers lie there. We must ask the questions elsewhere. This train of thought led me to contact the Illuminati. I had expected that, once they knew I was hot on their trail, they would have me lobotomized. So I was shocked when my ex-boss, Tony Blair, contacted me and gave me the Illuminati´s secret email.
Illuminati are recognized because they carry
wads of paper, printed with pyramid symbols,
on their bodies. This photo shows pyramids.
The head of the Illuminati is called the “Illuminatus” (that´s his secret title, he goes by a couple of other names when he´s out in the open). As it turned out, he is a man that I had met several times. Hell, I’ve had dinner with him when I lived in Buenos Aires. He always seemed like a very nice man. I have been around him enough to know that he’s an honest guy. He´s so normal, his pastime is to troll social media using a pseudonym.
I interviewed him because I´m worried about the planet. I know his organization controls the world, so I wanted him to tell me what the hell they are up to. The interview took place in his office within the secret Illuminati bunker office complex located under… (sorry, I can´t write that down).
FL (that´s me): Illuminatus, I want to start by thanking you for sharing your valuable time and answering a few questions. So how are you?
ILLUMINATUS: I’m doing well. How are you?
FL: I’m very good. I want to start by asking, where is the world headed?
ILLUMINATUS: Excellent question…excellent question. It depends. People think our organization controls the world, but that´s not really true. For example, we only managed to place members in China about 30 years ago, and it has been a struggle. Too many Chinese for so few of us. They are incredibly corrupt. So I can´t give you any guarantees that I’m a world emperor or anything like that. In fact, if I were going to characterize our position, we are more like dogs, trying to herd a very large herd of sheep.
FL: Government scares the crap out of me and I think most people agree. How would you characterize your group´s relationship with the progressive and regressive extremes?
ILLUMINATUS: Well, that depends on who´s in charge. Once we control everything, we get rid of the extremes, and settle things in the middle. Sometimes the extremes in charge are our guys, so that´s fine. But the middle is where most people feel comfortable. For example, take the United Kingdom. As you probably know, it has been under our control for centuries. Any deviations are corrected in short order, we pump up the football and cricket, and if necessary we start a war.
FL: Yeah. I heard the Falklands War was your idea.
ILLUMINATUS: Yeah. That was a very judicious use of war, insofar as it allowed us to strengthen Maggie´s rule. But it backfired in Argentina, where the military dictatorship fell, only to give way to a series of lousy governments, which culminated with the current Kirchner disaster. That’s so typical for Latin America. They don´t get it. If we weren´t so busy dealing with Netanyahu, Le Pen, and those crazy Islamists we would have our special forces land in South America next week.
FL:Okay. I´ve always been curious, was President Clinton one of yours? What the hell was he trying to accomplish when he bombed Kosovo in 1999?
ILLUMINATUS: Clinton wasn´t the real President. Hillary ran the show... almost everybody will see this, I believe. When we pick U.S. presidents we usually make sure their wife is one of us. You want to make sure they don´t go batty, they do control nuclear weapons.
Hillary giving Bill instructions in public.
FL:Got it. So what was Hillary trying to do bombing Yugoslavia in 1999?
ILLUMINATUS: You know, she was trying to support Muslim human rights in a noncontroversial fashion. But it didn´t work out the way she planned it. We wanted Clinton to get a Nobel Peace Prize, and he had a lousy score in that area, because of the mess he made in Mogadishu killing 5000 Somali Muslims in 24 hours… you know.. the Black Hawk down story. Hillary was trying to make up for Mogadishu doing good somewhere else.
FL: I know. Crazy affair. I was in Kenya, near Marsabit at the time. The Somalis backing Mohammed Farrah Aidid sure got pissed.
ILLUMINATUS: Yeah, and that carried over. Today´s Somalia is a result of that failed move. Hell, my predecessor gave orders to stand down those Rangers when we saw it was going to fail, but it was too late. We didn´t have anybody close enough in the military chain of command, and the raid went down. A real mess.
FL: Going back to Hillary and Yugoslavia/Kosovo in 1999, the KGB concluded the Americans were trying to make themselves look good with Muslims. Sort of like “We bomb for Muslims, see?” The USA had been picking the Israeli side so much, it was starting to piss off the Muslims, and the CIA warned Clinton (Hillary?) there were signs the US one sidedness was starting to fuel terrorist cells in Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, and other unfriendly regions, they saw 911 coming, and Hillary´s response was to bomb Serb Christians.
ILLUMINATUS: No. No, absolutely not. She wanted to help Muslims somewhere, but the bombing wasn´t her idea. We never gave Hillary orders to bomb Kosovo. That was really stupid. Believe it or not, that was Bill´s idea. We wanted to make him look good, but he went haywire and started thinking on his own. He came up with it when she was sick with the flu, and that idiot General Wesley Clark went along because he wanted to be a military hero and be President. Madeleine Albright was an amateur, she thought it was a good idea. And the USA controlled the UK via Tony Blair, a made CIA agent, so those four -- Clinton, Clark, Albright and Blair -- cooked up the bullshit about genocide in Kosovo, and they teed off the Air Force. It really pissed off the Serbs, which pissed off the Russians. Thank God Putin wasn´t in charge, or we would have had global thermonuclear war in our hands. We manage our people well, but discipline isn´t perfect.
FL: Right. Trying to rule the world must be stressful ‑‑
ILLUMINATUS: It sure is.
FL:Sure. But when you have selected a course of action you sure stick to it. Let´s use a minor theme, Global Warming…
ILLUMINATUS: Well, you know, that’s just needed. Humanity is running out of fossil fuels, and our population control measures have been quite unsuccessful where it counts. We are trying everything, video games for teenage boys, overcrowded cities, soap operas with highly successful female role models who don´t have children…. Obama is doing a really good job, but we have a problem with the deniers. That group of people will have to be silenced and dealt with. I´m issuing statements backing Obama, but this problem will require a more proactive stance.
FL: So the key is to convince people the planet is going to boil so they stop using gasoline? Wouldn´t it be better to publish the real numbers? Explain the Saudis and Kuwaitis don´t really have that much oil?
ILLUMINATUS: Well, we are also trying to create new industries. Some industries are worthless, and a huge waste of time. But it depends on what you’re subsidizing. The idea is that having economic incentives, for manufacturing wind turbines and solar panels in China, allows us to have more influence in that country. And our plans for the future have an option for a Global Chinese Empire in the 22nd century.
FL: Right. I feared that. That sure is scary. So let´s move on to a subject of personal interest. You are having Obama get friendly with Cuba and hostile with Venezuela. But Cuba has a 50 year old dictatorship with terrible human rights abuses. Venezuela is similar, but the mastermind is clearly the Cuban oligarchs in Havana.
ILLUMINATUS: Havana controls Caracas. And we concluded the best way to control Havana is to have the means to kick their privates really hard. That Communist Party elite is hard core, they love their perks. And you see, Fidel Castro murdered the man we had chosen to replace him, General Ochoa. So we had to start again from scratch. This is the first step, we are moving to control Cuba by making them dependent on the U.S. and World Bank. Once the Cuban people stop living like caged gulag prisoners, and find themselves in a more traditional fascist military dictatorship, we can topple the regime by cutting off its financing. Moody´s and Standard and Poor´s will do the job.
Obama is getting close to Castro, to make Cuba
dependent on U.S. and World Bank financing,
so later he can kick the old dinosaur in the
balls and control Venezuela´s oil via Havana.
FL: But aren’t you starting with a false premise here? You believe that regime will change from being communists to a fascist military dictatorship using capitalism?
ILLUMINATUS: I think that that’s a ‑‑ your point’s right. The question is how do we manage the transition so it is politically doable. And I ‑‑
FL: But you believe ‑‑ no offense, but you believe you can keep the Cubans living in an Orwellian dictatorship and then when it´s convenient you´ll topple the regime ‑‑ you’re trying to transition into a dictatorship much more dependent on USA largesse. But that requires they take the bait.
ILLUMINATUS: Well, you’ve already given away ‑‑ that’s the idea. I don’t see how they can defend against our move, not having the ability to control the Cuban people´s profound belief in capitalism and self-interest. Once they take the bait they are toast. And the question in the short run is, so you want to have a system that basically leaves Cubans and Venezuelans living in a political system controlled by the Castro family, with serious human rights abuses and absolute lack of freedom. That´s fine with us, we do it all over the world. Cubans and Venezuelans aren´t special. World progress requires they continue living as slaves, and slaves they will stay.
FL: All right. So this will allow you to control Havana, and because Havana controls Caracas you will control Venezuela´s huge oil reserves.
ILLUMINATUS: That´s the idea.
FL: You are being very forthright. I want to thank you for sharing your secret plans, and I sure hope you will give me a future opportunity to review your progress in these areas, as you move towards total world domination.
ILLUMINATUS: Don´t take it bad. I think that there are ways to do it that make most libertarians like you relatively happy. I’ve said consistently we ought to have little islands of freedom of thought. This is why I´m giving you this interview and we allow you to write your blog. We do try to have a free society, sort of.
FL: All right.
ILLUMINATUS: We are giving people the right to choose in some areas. We have McDonald´s, Burger King, Taco Bell. You know.
FL: Thanks. I always thought you were behind the wide range of fast food choices we are getting. But now, please share with me what´s behind the Ukraine mess. That´s clearly a CIA false flag, isn´t it?
ILLUMINATUS: We move towards the most effective possible steps to control the planet. That´s a bit more complicated than you can imagine. Putin is one of ours (smiles).
VOICE: Sir, that´s Class Five Top Secret information.
ILLUMINATUS: Hell, yes. Well, I´ll override that. Nobody´s going to believe him anyway.
FL: Thank you. I thought I was dead.
ILLUMINATUS: No problem. I think there has to be a, if you will, leeway in the way we leak secrets.
FL: Help me out. Just let me get out of this complex, I´ll write up this interview and you don´t have to let me know about Putin´s work for you.
ILLUMINATUS: Don´t worry, you´ll be fine. But you got to go now. The Saudi and Iranian oil ministers, Rand Paul, and Narendra Modi*, are coming in for a chat. Bless you.
FL: Thank you. Thank you.
And I proceeded to walk out of the room flanked by two tall guys wearing Swiss Guard Uniforms.
*Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi is the deputy Illuminatus, responsible for Central and S.E. Asia and Oceania.