Finland Threatens Europe

For defense planners in Washington, London and Brussels, the sight of Finnish forces pouring into European Union territory will  overturn two decades of strategic assumptions.

The result could be a late attempt to reverse years of European defense cuts and lead to a move to reinforce defenses in countries surrounding the Baltic Sea.

Since the end of the Cold War, the Western alliance has shifted its attention to Afghanistan, Kosovo, Iraq, Somalia,  as well as spending a lot of drone flying time killing Al Qaida leaders in Africa and the Middle East.   But by the time NATO government leaders meet in August  in Ibiza, some people believe their focus will have returned to deterring Helsinki.

In Washington on Wednesday for meetings with senior officials, NATO Secretary-General Jens Stoltenberg  accused Helsinki  of acting to "rip up the international rulebook, trying to redraw the map of Europe and creating... the most serious security crisis since the end of the Cold War".

The changed NATO attitude is caused by the rise to power of Finnish autocrat Lordi Pekkala. Known for his outlandish suits and very warlike posture during his speeches, Supreme Leader Lord  Pekkala (as he likes to style himself)  and his imperialist  party, “Öur Höme is Greater Finland”, have made it clear they are dissatisfied with international  borders as drawn by European powers after the two World Wars and  the NATO interventions in Kosovo, Sudan, and Ukraine.

Lordi Pekkala giving a Speech at the 
newly built National Glory Amphiteater

"It goes to the heart of what NATO is about, we are supposed to dictate terms after a military  victory, and not the other way around. I can´t stand the idea of seeing a Finn rule over Europe",  Stoltenberg  told a forum at Georgetown University.

Most European powers believed  a major war in Europe was  extremely unlikely, but after receiving secret information from an informer nicknamed “Curveball”, distributed to all NATO members by the British MI6, it is now a certainty, say officials and analysts. To their horror, “Curveball” delivered a copy of a map prepared for Supreme Leader Pekkala. The map is shown below:

After reviewing this map and secret war plans delivered in an envelope by the Israeli secret service, Washington and NATO have tried to reassure European nations  located close to Finland, such as Sweden, Poland and the Baltic states.

Sending a message that NATO stands with them in any confrontation with Helsinki, the United States deployed F-15 fighters to Lithuania and alliance early warning aircraft have increased patrols. While some Western governments regard the map as a mere drug induced dream drawn up by Supreme Lord Pekkala, they suspect it may be a a sign of things to come.

While Finland has been expected to lack the strength to overrun much of Europe, Lordi Pekkala seems increasingly confident of his troops. This correspondent has received information from a Fox News reporter based in Helsinki, which confirms the Finns have a sneaky plan: They have recruited troops in Africa, and are preparing an invasion into Southern Europe, using civilian craft and disguising their troops as political refugees.

Finnish Secret Army soldiers, based in North Africa

"This requires a complete reappraisal of how we approach Finland," told me  Fiona Hill, U.S. national intelligence officer for Finland  after I revealed the existence of the secret Finnish Army based in Northern Africa. "That monster Pekkala  has made it very clear he intends to create an enormous  sphere of influence ... We don't have a strategy to deal with that."

To make matters worse, I have also received information that Finnish Army officers devised a secret plan to force NATO´s surrender: they have built thousands of plastic tanks which look just like the real thing. Their plan is to place these tanks out in the open, and wait until the US and UK run out of bullets, missiles and bombs trying to knock off all those fake decoys (other European nations don´t usually participate in these actions).

Fake Finnish tank. Thousands of these plastic
 imitations  have been built to force  USA and 
 UK to fight uselessly until they run of ammunition. 

Western officials and analysts say there is little NATO can do now  to stop Helsinki anywhere in Europe,  although some say it may be possible to salvage Greece, mostly because the Finns won´t want to deal with Syriza followers wanting to retire at 55. The only other option is the use of nuclear weapons. 

Speaking on condition of anonymity, U.S. officials played down suggestions of a major shift in America's Middle East  presence following events in Europe, after a Finnish takeover. Other officials and analysts, however, say a change in strategic mood is already underway, and the USA can´t commit to be Israel´s proxy in the face of a hostile Finnish empire sitting across its logistics lines.

The most likely scenario according to most experts is for country leaders to mold themselves to being ruled by Helsinki. Some of them consider this option to be just the same as being told what to do by Washington. This has led many of them to start learning the Finnish national anthem.

European Politicians Practicing the Finnish National Anthem 

Some countries such as Germany might even change their name to something more agreeable to the emerging Finnish imperial power. For example, they could call themselves “Southern Finland” as a sign loyalty and adhesion to Lordi Pekkala´s rule.

Experts say NATO faces another awkward reality with conventional weapons. In the event of simultaneous crises with Finland and China - perhaps over Syria and northern Iraq - Washington would probably struggle to reinforce both regions.

"The week before we found out  Finland is preparing to invade  Europe, we prepared the “Europe Defense Contingency Plan” said Nick Rabbet, professor of national security studies at the U.S. Naval War College. "We had accepted a risk of war with China, and we were seeking to beat down on Russia a little bit.  But we never realized those sneaky Finns would be attacking from the North and also using their secret African army to strike our Southern flank. Now the only recourse is nuclear weapons, and that´s likely out of the picture given the high probability that Pekkala has secured biological WMDs from Iran”. 

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