1/22/2015

I interview Waziria´s President Obombo

I just returned from Waziria´s capital, Kumbasi, where I interviewed President Obombo and inquired about his battles  against global warming, Russia, terrorism, and the Senator Bolo-led opposition.


President Obombo in his conference room, 
waiting for me to serve him simbiliki legs

To be honest, I snuck into his conference room  wearing a waiter´s uniform and carrying a plate full of fried simbiliki legs, his favorite snack, but after I revealed my true journalistic  nature, he graciously agreed to this brief interview:

LEANME (that´s me):  Mr. President, thank you for doing this.

OBOMBO:  Great to be with you (begins to munch on simbiliki)

LEANME:  Really appreciate it. So, let's begin with global warming…

OBOMBO:  Yes, as you know, 2014 was the planet’s warmest year on record. The best scientists in the world are all telling us that our activities are changing the climate, and if we do not act forcefully, we’ll continue to see rising oceans, longer, hotter heat waves, dangerous droughts and floods, and massive disruptions that can trigger greater migration, conflict, and hunger around the globe.

LEANME:  2014 was 0.017 degrees warmer than 2010.

OBOMBO:  Right.

LEANME: This is all caused by CO2?

OBOMBO:  Right.


LEANME:  When did you know?

OBOMBO:  Well, I think we all anticipated it.

LEANME:  What is China´s response to these news?

OBOMBO:  Well, I don't think...

LEANME:  Is China going to be a problem? They don´t want to commit to reducing emissions.

OBOMBO:  -- The good news is that right away, we decided how are we going to fix it, we are going to subsidize ethanol  and stop burning lignite.

LEANME:  My climatologist friends say the Wazirian effort will reduce world temperatures by 0.0005 degrees by 2100, because Wazirians eat all the corn crop, you can´t make ethanol, and lignite burning has been reduced thanks to the new pipeline bringing clean burning natural gas from Cameroon. Also, I hear you have been sending the lignite to Germany…isn´t that cheating?

German  lignite coal mine and  power plant 
at Frimmersdorf Photo:Federico Gambarini

OBOMBO:  (Makes a choking sound).

LEANME: I´d like to move on to Russia. You have been encouraging your UN Ambassador, Miss Zambeze, to make really ugly statements about Russia.

OBOMBO:  You know, my main priority right now is making sure that we support efforts to contain Russian aggression in the Ukraine.

LEANME:  Don´t you feel Ukraine is a bit far from Waziria to risk pissing off Russia?

OBOMBO:  We participate in sanctions against Russia, and we helped convince the Saudis to participate in the conspiracy to drop oil prices. That hurts Russia.

LEANME:  Yes. But aren´t lower oil prices going to encourage more CO2 emissions? Isn´t this conspiracy being organized by oil men?

OBOMBO:  We've got to improve our reputation to win the next elections. By last summer I could tell we were going to take a licking in the November elections, and I was going to have that ugly Senator Bolo leading the Wazirian Senate…

LEANME:  OK...

OBOMBO:  -- and the CO2 emissions are only important for climate change, so we can peddle more renewables subsidies to make up for lower oil prices. That ought to keep everybody happy. I need people to love me.

LEANME:   I'm sure that the intent is noble, but I'm concerned you got yourself in a bind by supporting the oil men´s  conspiracy to stop renewables to improve the Party´s popularity.

OBOMBO:  Yes (looking at me with teary eyes)

LEANME: Fine, so let´s move on to the fight againt terrorism.

OBOMBO:  Yes.

LEANME:  What do you think?

OBOMBO:  I´m Charlie Hedbo.

LEANME:  But that´s not going to endear you to Yemeni tribesmen. And what about that Iraqi Islamic Army?

OBOMBO:  I want to make sure that our main focus is how do we make this thing to work. And that's what we've done.

LEANME:  Make what work? Everytime the Israeli, Netanyahu,  gives orders to build another settlement you complain, the Muslim street gets riled up, you agree to help the West and  send a couple of Wazirian Air Force  drones to kill another Al Qaida leader in Cameroon, and it just doesn´t seem to end.

OBOMBO:  I 've got a long list of my mistakes ...but I´m not going to copy the Americans´ mistakes. You know, what the American Bush  did, when he invaded  Iraq. That was stupid. He put a crazy Shiite in power, the guy started robbing and  torturing Sunnis, and next thing the Americans know there´s crazy Islamists all over Iraq…so the Europeans asked us  to help the West to stop a Muslim invasion (the Europeans don´t like to fight, they are real surrender monkeys).  All we do is send drones and kill a couple of people. And we do this with the full approval of our allies (his voice starts shaking).

LEANME:  Fine, let´s move on to the Cabo Caballo diplomatic relations…

OBOMBO:  I've (POUNDS FIST ON THE TABLE)...

LEANME:  -- that is working out OK?

OBOMBO:  But this is -- this is one that I regret and I've already told my Chancellor, Don Hombo.  I regret it, in part because we thought that son of a bitch Ernesto Kambo would agree to open diplomatic relations right away.  It obviously didn't occur to my diplomats that the Cabo Caballo dictatorship would be focusing on the preservation of their slave trade into Brazil and Venezuela. Goddam fake commies. So when we sent the propaganda team to Cabo Caballo, they got that cancellation notice, they couldn't even measure Ernesto Kambo for a new tuxedo.

LEANME:  But isn't that the...

OBOMBO:  So...

LEANME:  -- idea of sending personnel to Cabo Caballo to measure Kambo for a tuxedo a bit rushed?

OBOMBO:  Well, I, you know, right now I wish I had sent the undertaker to measure him for a casket.


Cabo Caballo´s former dictator,  dinasty founder
 and  slave trader Fabuloso Kambo

LEANME:  All right. I see you have finished the simbiliki legs, and I see Senator Bolo´s chief of staff is arriving to arrange a peace conference between the two of you….

OBOMBO:  Sure.  Right.  Bala´s sneaky. Talks like he wants to make a deal, but he won´t agree to do anything I say.

LEANME:  The two of you working together would be good for Waziria and for Africa.

OBOMBO:  Yes.

LEANME:  He said he would like to work with you, but he wants to preserve tax cuts for the rich, and build the heavy oil pipeline from Cameroon.

OBOMBO:  Yes.

LEANME:  Did he tell you what he would trade for those two favors?

OBOMBO:  You know what he told me was that he would trade that for more drone attacks against Muslims in Cameroon. That´s bullshit. He wants to drone the hell out of Muslims anyway.

LEANME:  Mr President, it has been a pleasure…

OBOMBO:  -- (INAUDIBLE)...

At that point I saw Senator Bolo´s chief of staff walk into the room, so I hurried out with the tray full of simbiliki leg bones. 

Reference: President Obombo declares he wants to open diplomatic relations with Cabo Caballo

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