The new Syriza-led government has announced a series of policies they hope will deliver relief to the Greek people after years of reckless orthodox belief drove the country into absolute poverty.
Greek leaders announcing their plan in Athens
The new measures include reducing the strength of the Earth´s gravitational field, changing the Laws of Thermodynamics to raise the efficiency of car engines, and creating a new Weather Control Ministry, which will produce rain as needed.
The new measures were hailed by the re-opened state broadcaster as the greatest reform plan introduced in over 5000 years of recorded history, and hailed Prime Minister Alex Tsipras as “Μέγας Ἀλέξανδρος” (Mégas Aléxandros or Alexander the Great). The announcement of state television was followed by a video showing Tsipras visiting a monument to communist fighters. This sight was a great moment of joy for communists everywhere.
However, the real Greek communist party (KKE), which earlier refused to form a coalition government with Syriza, dismissed the reforms as mere “circus”, reminding the people the new measures do not amount to a real communist programme – which would include nationalization of all private property, exterminating the rich, imposing thought controls and a state monopoly of everything.
It is evident orthodox communists don´t understand populism, they don´t realize the new measures will raise government popularity amongst the masses, and will help the populist-communist parties in Spain, Portugal and Ireland, in particular, raising their chances to take over these countries and follow Syriza´s lead.
The new measures fly in the face of so-called ‘consensus’ science, and ignore the agenda of the euro-zone. These reforms did not fall from the sky but are the by-product of the herculean mass struggles of Greek experts over several years, including thirty general strikes, seventeen riots, and over five hundred vehicles and trash containers burned.
Mass struggle by the Greek left led to the new rules
The Syriza government’s initial announcements were rejected by traditional parties across Europe, including the former socialist (aka communist) parties. These groups feel the law of gravity and other matters are already set, and there is “no other choice”.
Merkel and Markets react
As expected, German boss Angela Merkel and capitalist markets reacted negatively to these measures, with stocks in Athens falling to nothing. Greek bank deposits fled at a faster pace, and investment disappeared as private industry wondered whether their equipment could work safely under the new gravitational and thermodynamic regime.
Angela Merkel reacted negatively to the Syriza plan
at a news conference following talks in Berlin.
Photograph: Hannibal Hanshke/Reuters
When asked to comment about the possible failure of these measures, Yanis Varoufakis, the Greek economic genius who led the team developing these measures declared:
“If you look very carefully, we have managed to avert economic collapse for at least six months. The previous government believed in orthodoxies, they had already committed to reduce pensions, increase VAT during the tourist season, and other measures we at Syriza knew wouldn´t be popular with the Greek public.
Beyond that it's uncharted territory. Reducing the gravity force will help us lift the economy. this will allow us to re-establish bonds of trust between us and our European partners as well as the IMF, in order to receive more loans.
We have great hopes the lower fuel consumption will encourage more driving and increase traffic jams, which will allow the unemployed to sell lighters and razor blades at traffic stops. The Weather Control Program should increase tourism because rainfall will be restricted to five minutes in the middle of the night.”
Although these measures have to be passed through parliament, Greeks feel that, at last, their ability to leap high in the air is being restored. Poll results show a surge in Syriza´s popularity as well as much more national pride as the Greek government shows off its revolutionary ideas.
The new law will allow Greeks to leap a lot higher.
Photograph: unknown author