The Human Manual

Congratulations! You are the proud new owner of a human being, and with this manual we want to give you a quick overview of how to train it properly. You will enjoy your new possession a lot if you follow these simple steps… 

 Meeting your new human

But first, a warning. The material in this booklet is top secret. You should read it and immediately put it in your mouth, chew, and swallow to leave no trace of evidence that we  dogs know how to read and write.

The content of this booklet is divided into two parts:

1. How to train your human

2. Tips on how to keep humans healthy.

Now we  continue with the study of this fascinating breed.

How to train your human

Introduction. Your human is very smart, almost as much as you.  This breed is known for its extreme loyalty, and submissive nature.  But first we must understand that not all humans are equal, and that some are slow, lazy, or have flaws like not knowing how to  whistle or throw a stick at a distance.  This is the reason why dogs are patient.

First, your toilet  needs:  The priority is to train your human to take you out to pee and defecate when you want. This is critical because if you don´t you will  have to pee on cement, tile, or something (current  technology doesn´t  yet allow us to grow indoor grass of the proper quality, and modern  humans don´t  survive living in the open).

Your human must understand that when you bark at the door, it  has to stop whatever it is doing, put on its shoes, and run with you to a place where you  can comfortably do your thing.

You can train your human to leave home at all hours, in the rain, in the cold,  and wind,  always with a  plastic bag and glove to pick up your feces. The other dogs are not going to treat you socially if your human is not trained to collect you shit.

Second: You can´t live with a cat. It is obvious that you are a dog who hates cats.  Living with a cat is horrible and should be avoided at all costs. Therefore it is important that when you take a walk and see a cat, bark ferociously, and if you can chase it and bite into  its buttocks (CAUTION: cats have sharp claws which  hurt horribly if the cat can turn around and hit you on the nose).

If it´s not feasible for you to prove you really hate cats, you will have to buy a cartoon DVD  with  a good fight of dogs and cats and leave it  on the table so  your human can learn the realities of life.

Let´s be honest, some humans are pretty dense,  and you might have to repeat these steps several times.  The earlier in the  human training, the better. If in the worst case your man brings home a kitten, eat it. Don´t  let it grow, or  it will become a  nightmare on four legs.

Third: The food. To eat well, you have to learn to vomit. Humans suffer a lot of stress when you vomit (later we will  talk more  about stress in humans in the health section of the human being). Your human is human. This  means that at first it may not understand clearly that your  happiness is paramount and should be their primary concern. 

Sometimes your human will buy cheap food.  Some humans  dare  buy food in giant bags containing an abominable product. If you can, pee on the bag when you see it. If you give it enough  time, your human will put some of this food on a plate. This will  hit you hard: eat it, but  don´t  show much emotion, then go to an appropriate place (a fancy carpet or the human´s  bed), and VOMIT EVERYTHING. If vomiting at will isn´t possible, you  will have to have some hidden grass, the grass is a good dog purgative. 

This process should be repeated until the human being gives you something good to eat. Some dogs have managed to train  their human to feed  them rib bones with meat, chicken thighs, and other goodies. So work hard at it, and your effort will be rewarded.

Humans are easy to train with positive feedback. When your human does something you want, show your satisfaction. For example, place  your front legs straight and rigid,   and jump a little, barking and wagging your  tail at the same time.  Your human will be happy when it  sees you perform  this way. It is important to show your man that you are a sweet dog. A good method  is to  lick its  hands and arms, or else  its face, but tenderly, and very gently (as if you were licking your own genitals).

Positive feedback example

The human may have a host of training problems, and this prospectus doesn´t have them included, however it is important to remember this: be very patient and you will be the head  of the household.

Human  health perspectives  

Humans have delicate feet, when you want to go for a walk it is important not to push your human so hard it will leave  home barefoot. You must also make sure it keeps  warm in the winter and when it rains.  Human skin is naked,  and they don´t  endure the cold or moisture very well. Your human can become seriously ill, and this will cause a huge mess. Don´t let it happen.

As mentioned above, the human can suffer from something called stress. For example, when you participate in a howling concert with colleagues in the neighborhood, chances are your human will become stressed out because it  thinks all the dogs in the area  are noisy and/or sad. A human  won´t  understand that you like to howl. Therefore howling concerts should not exceed 30 minutes. If you see your human touching its  face  and crying, the 30 minutes are up.

If your human is suffering from stress (for example,  if you chew up  its father´s pants when it   comes to visit,  and your human sees it and then  grunts and turns beet red), then it is possible that you have to lick it until it calms down. Don´t let it kick. If your human misbehaves then you must bark and show you're the boss.