I've been thinking that I should be the President of the Republic of Azerbaijan, because it has a lot of oil and an ideal climate, and the rewards can be huge.
The first thing I will do is undergo plastic surgery to look younger, like Berlusconi.
This man is 114 years old but still manages to convince a significant portion of the Italian public to support him even though he is corrupt and degenerate. Therefore, plastic surgery is going to be my first step.
The second step will be to look for a right hand, a feminine sideckick like María Dolores de Cospedal, the Spanish Vicepresident. The only difference is that my sidekick must be flexible (politically, not bodily speaking).
Flexibility will be essential because we will call ourselves the Azerbaijani People's Party, which in the local language would be Azərbaycan Xalq Partiyası (AXP). I think it sounds real good. But we will not have any political beliefs other than populism for now.
The AXP will develop a populist strategy because populism helps win elections. But we can’t be orthodox or have any beliefs, flexibility is the key. This is going to be important because it allows us to maneuver as we see what happens.
It will also be important to have a banner and motto. I think “Viva Social Critic!” would be a wonderful slogan. I don’t want to mess up my karma with a slogan like “Fatherland, Socialism or Death”. I do not want to die early, I do not know if I will be a socialist, and I'm not even Azerbaijani.
It can be a problem If one wants to be president and isn’t a citizen of the country. It's like being in jail, because if one wants to be president one has to have a clean record.
But I have a solution: I will talk to President Aliyev and tell him that I invented the Azerbaijan International Oil Company (AIOC or Beynəlxalq Azərbaycan Şirkəti Neft, which produces most of the country's oil). This is a lie, I was in Azerbaijan to help sell the concept to his father, who was the president at the time, but the idea wasn’t mine. However, he was young at the time and won’t tell the difference, because to Azerbaijanis all foreigners look the same.
President Aliyev will be very impressed by my great ideas, after all the AIOC is their golden goose, which allows him to buy many things. I bet that makes me a citizen. This will give me the freedom to work with my Maria Dolores and eventually overthrow him using his own electoral system.
As for the banner, I think it must have the country’s name and be related to football because it is a very popular sport. Thus a banner that reads simply Azerbaijan, like we see on many football players´ chests is enough.
After these important steps, we have to increase the popularity of the party.We will travel all over Azerbaijan to let them meet me, to see what the people need, and to offer them things they like.
We will offer subsidized housing, hospitals, schools, a war against crime and corruption, and a social security system that allows Azerbaijanis to retire at 52.
But the best part is what comes next. It waters my mouth. Once I become president I can use oil revenues to make political changes in neighboring countries. Imagine the possibilities.
First I'll replace the President of Armenia with one that is friendly and will convert to Islam. Then I will topple the ayatollahs of Iran using people to write shit about them on Twitter. And last I will go for the jackpot: I will overthrow Putin.
Okay, you are laughing because I wrote that I will overthrow Putin, and now everyone is waiting to see a Russian agent murder me. But this is serious. I believe that Putin can be toppled using the internet. To do so I only have to buy Comrade Gennady Andreyevich Zyuganov a suit and and improve his propaganda
Comrade Gennady Andreyevich is the Chairman of the Communist Party of the Russian Federation. He has a very good program to bring Russia back to Communism, but he dresses badly.
With a new suit, and a Baku-based twitterers who flood the internet criticizing Putin for allowing the oligarchs to continue to steal, I can change the landscape in Moscow so that the next time the Russians have elections they are going to vote for the Communist Party en masse.
And please do not panic, because in the 21st century communist parties do not believe in communism, or anything like that. Apart from the use of the red flag, they have nothing to do with people who believe in that crap. Those who do believe it are mostly Western Europeans and Americans who study or are teachers of Social Parasitism in college.
Today real communists are very normal, just like me. We are more interested in becoming managers of mixed state enterprises, and not in screwing people’s lives to implement Marxist bullshit. The only thing we have in common with the old Soviet style communists is the secret police. As for me, I just want to serve the people.